You Ought NOT be Ashamed of Yourself
In our community of families that share in common the presence of an individual with
Down Syndrome, there sometimes exists an invisible pressure. Members of the
community may say to themselves, “How are other parents doing so well?” “How is that
mom always so positive about her child’s behavior?” while they themselves are feeling
underwater with the challenges that come with Down-Syndrome, dual-diagnoses, ect.
Phrases like, “The Lucky Few,” “Proud Mama,” and “Down Right Amazing” occasionally
serve to reinforce the illusion that a special needs parent is a superhero, with absolutely
zero resentment for the “extra” that now colors their life experience. The fallacy persists
that a special needs parent never has a bad day, never wonders how life could easier,
and never has negative feelings that cause friction in other family relationships. Parents
may feel that if everyone else is so happy about this and celebrates, then I ought to be
ashamed of myself whenever I think, “I would rather things were easier today,” or at a
particular difficult moment “This wouldn’t be happening if my child did not have this
diagnosis.”
STOP YOURSELF. Regardless of what you feel, think or even wonder from time to time,
you ought NOT be ashamed of yourself.
REALITY IS: many things ARE easier without Down Syndrome in your home. Without
handicaps parenting IS easier, and family relationships ARE simpler. However, as long
as a parent continues to shame themselves for their feelings, they never see beyond
them to the other side. As soon as a parent says, “I don’t like this circumstance right
now, this is difficult, and feeling that way is OK,” shame is gone. In each difficult
moment, the space formerly occupied by shame leaves room to see your circumstance,
your child, and your situation differently, room for love, time for patience, and space to
accept.
It is important to note that negative feelings won’t stop coming up from time to time as
life changes and new challenges replace the old ones, but in the absence of shame and
armed with grace for yourself AND your circumstance, there is the chance to change, to
improve, and to feel greater love/patience for your yourself and others. It is this ever-
present opportunity for growth that makes a special needs parent “lucky,” or even
“proud,” of our “amazing” circumstance.
